the thing is i don't actually hate art, i don't actually hate drawing, i hate the community and this hierarchy that art school glorifies that just turns people into drawing the same thing again and again but it's ok because it's the standard "real artist" kind of drawings and not the art that's drawn for entertainment- the kind of art that's always attracted me and will keep being attractive to me.

but i agree with this hierarchy in a sense, i agree that clever art should be held with more value than art that's drawn for fun, just not in the way that art school told me and not in the same way the people around me talk about art. i'm thankful that absolute technical skill isn't what merits an artist as a good artist or not, because i agree that that's an older form of art appreciation and we should have evolved into higher forms of appreciating art by now, but what i don't like is how art for fun isn't a thing that can even happen anymore to the people who really hold themselves up as an art enthusiast or even that type of artist whose really "into" this kind of art.

a good example is my roommate who is very much into the kind of popularized naive art, the unlearned art, which she's been using as her freelance style for a while now. i don't dislike this art i just find it really upsetting this is the form of "in" art around this city and everything else is very very much looked down on. i'd LOVE to get a freelance piece around here but i don't want to make the enormous effort of contacting every form of publication until i finally get an art director that likes the kind of art i want to produce because then i've just made a quick $200 and it's back to this awesome unemployment grind.

so it's not so much that i hate art or that i hate my own art but i hate that i'm so ashamed of the kind of art i do because of the people from my class and around me who went to/are attending my school who hold the same views about art as my classmates did. i'm the kind of person who appreciates a lot of art, i'd like to think. i obviously have what really inspires me but i can spot when someone out of my own niche is doing something pretty cool and doing it well. i thought most artists would appreciate art the same way i do, basically, and hearing how these people who are in on the unlearned art talk about art that's popular on tumblr ("tumblr art") or saying how tomer hanuka's style isn't that impressive really turns me away from ever wanting to share my art and i hate it. it's stopping me from drawing but it shouldn't, basically. i don't have ANY fucking IDEA what i want to do with my art right now because i'm so confused as an artist, too.

i know i know i know, i shouldn't care what other people have to say about my art, but it's incredibly hard for me already in this situation of "what am i going to do with my artistic life" to sit around and hear what these people are saying about the artist community that i'm in, technically speaking. knowing that they'd be whispering about my art behind my back or even a little to my face without know it turns me off from ever wanting to post publicly again. and then there's the fact that all i'm DOING right now is drawing for fun. i'd love to have the energy and inspiration to draw for fun AND for my portfolio or whatever but i haven't figured out what i want to do to even push me in the direction of something that isn't fucking anime fanart. but it's helping me get there, it's keeping me drawing, so really it's not all that bad. 

 i know it's easy to say "just fuck it, draw for fun" but i don't want that advice. i AM drawing for fun and it's great but since i am taking this as a career that i want to be serious as i can't rely on "just draw for fun, who cares". i'm setting myself further and further back by not trying to reach any goals or draw anything with merit. i need to figure out what kind of path i want to do again and focus on that but for now i'll continue drawing anime fanart i guess. it's so hard when the one thing that appeals to me for art is a completely male dominated field you know? this whole fem freq/gamergate thing just set me even further from the goals i thought i wanted because the field i want to be in doesn't want me there. 

ANYWHOOO blah blah blah here are some of my thoughts.